[Garrett]

Dont think there's been a joke thread for a bit but I heard this on the radio on Radio 7 hence it being slightly out of date but a good one.

Davis Beckham goes in to Selfridges and sees a item on the shelf, he asks the assistant whets that?
That’s a vacuum flask.
DB And what does that do them?
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
DB that’s great Ill have one of them.

He goes home and shows Victoria.
VB what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
VB and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
VB super.

He takes it to training and shows Alex Ferguson
AF what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
AF and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
AF smashing, and what do you have in it?


DB 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice.

[Woodywizz]

A very very old one, but a good one nonetheless.

Happy Birthday for yesterday btw Garrett

[MattZani]

heh, awesome

Matt

[Setenza]

A woman goes into a shop that purveys the vending of adult sexual aides and asks to be sold a stimulation device that rhythmicly vibrates.

She points to a long white model of the shelf and asks what it is and how much it costs.

The sales persons states that it is the swashbuckler deluxe model and it's £20.

She then enquires after a short black model.

The sales person states that it is the thrustmeister 2000 and it retails at a price of £35 and has rechargeable batteries.

The lady then asks after a tartan style model with a white head, that's on the counter.

The sales person says that it's not for sale.

When asked why they say its because its their thermosflask.

I thank you.

[DanH]

On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless
man wearing a French football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

[Mep]

This is very good - shows once again the wisdom of the ages ... as it were.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old Lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Van Lady?









Make me one with everything..................

[Chox1988]

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????...











You can't kill two birds with one stone

[Steven]

Sorry Abu, just threw your coat out of the building!

[Leej]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little on your knee."

[dr_mabuse]

On a climbing trip, eleven blondes and one brunette end up all clinging to one rope after their relay fails. Unfortunately the rope will never support all 12 of them, and their panicked screaming could be heard for miles around.

After some time, the brunette (at the top of the rope) makes a stirring, emotional speech about saving the group by sacrificing herself for the greater good, and announces to all below that she will let go as she is the heaviest amongst them.

The blondes applaud.

Here's a dodgy one:

Why should you never change your sandwich toaster.

Because its better the breville you Know

[gerryman62]

Originally Posted by Garrett

Dont think there's been a joke thread for a bit but I heard this on the radio on Radio 7 hence it being slightly out of date but a good one.

Davis Beckham goes in to Selfridges and sees a item on the shelf, he asks the assistant whets that?
That’s a vacuum flask.
DB And what does that do them?
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
DB that’s great Ill have one of them.

He goes home and shows Victoria.
VB what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
VB and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
VB super.

He takes it to training and shows Alex Ferguson
AF what’s that
DB a vacuum flask
AF and what does that do them
DB It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold
AF smashing, and what do you have in it?


DB 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice.

never herd that one was very funny

[Mep]

Originally Posted by vespats

Here's a dodgy one:

Why should you never change your sandwich toaster.

Because its better the breville you Know

[raigraphixs]

Guess what happened to me today……

This morning on the way to work, I bumped into a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention…anyway, the fella driving got out…...and was a dwarf.


He said "I'm not happy"... I said "Well which one are you then?"

....

[DrPepper]

The other day I went to work with both my ears bandaged.
My boss asked me what happened and I replied:"I was ironing
a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the
iron instead of the phone.""Well," said the boss,"that explains
one ear,but what about the other one?”"The person called back!"

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone, come
and sit by me.” Alice R. Longworth

A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended
suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't
work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer
consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small
hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt
back to life. Two days later the office manager received a bill
from the consultant for £1,000. Immediately he called the consultant
and exclaimed, "One thousand pounds for fixing that computer?!
You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next
day the new bill arrived. It read,
"Tapping computer with hammer: £1.00;
Knowing where to tap: £999.00"

[Alan_W]

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day,Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!

i just received this one


A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


Lis@~~

[Sandy13]

Mick was asked to do some remedial work on the Electric Chair, he replied, 'No way I'm working on that, it's a ******* death trap!'

My coat's on my arm

[drunkenmaster]

A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

[raigraphixs]

A tortoise walks into a police station, out of breath says 'sir please help, i was mugged in the park by 6 snails!',
the policeman asks - if he can give him any more information that may help,
the tortoise replies - 'i can't, it happened so fast!'

....

[Alan_W]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will
buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get sex all night. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister"

[Leej]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....































"NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! "

[CFC1]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let
alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids
will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and some what despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at
least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my
door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's
your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks
Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally
would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We
had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way
back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We
don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and
said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a
moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of
minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my
wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday".


And I just sat there...


On the couch...








Naked

[CFC1]

Originally Posted by woodywizz

Brilliant CFC, almost as good as the one I heard in August 2006 - that Chelsea were actually going to retain their title.....that one had me in stitches for months

Bah!

... Two Irish couples decide that their sex lives are jaded and need spicing up, so they decide to swap partners ... Afterwards, Paddy says "That was frigging great... I wonder how the girls are getting on!"

[CFC1]

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to the lady standing at the coffee vending machine. He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman, fed up, files a complaint of sexual harrassment. The boss asks "What's sexually threatening being told by a colleague that your hair smells nice?" .. To which the woman replies .. "He's a frigging dwarf!"

[DanH]

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked.


So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude,

So I replied "Not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.how about your self?"

The next thing I heard him say was ... "Sorry mate, I'll have to Call you back.

I've got some d 1ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

[Woodywizz]

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

[Steve N]

A man goes to confession.

Forgive me father for I have sinned

Go on my son

When the wife bent down to get a chicken out of the fridge it gave me lustful thoughts.
I went up behind her, lifted her dress, and made love to her.

It was your wife you say. Did she object ?

No father. No father, she enjoyed it.

Well then my son, you have not committed a sin.

Then why have they banned us from Sainsburys.

[Woodywizz]

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.