[PaleRider1975]

Hi guys I've seen a few posts on here from members asking for advice/help on personal matters and it looks like it's my turn to ask for some impartial advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months and although her pregnancy was unexpected and I was a little bit shocked when she first told me I've always been happy with it.

I'm in the military & was due to head out to Iraq two weeks ago but that has been delayed until the beginning of June now, I'm based in Portsmouth and my girlfriend is currently living at her dad's in Sussex, we see each other when we can which recently has been every two weeks or so and our baby is due on the 19th May.

The problem I have is last night I received a text from her saying we need to talk this weekend about us, obviously the first thing that came into my head was that she didn't want us to be together anymore. After sending several texts to persuade her to talk on the phone she agreed, she then went on to tell me that as I thought she didn't want us to be together or love me anymore.

This has come totally out of the blue for me, the last time I saw her two weeks ago she was fine on the Thursday & Friday but on the Saturday & Sunday she seemed a bit distant, I asked her if she was ok or had I done anything to upset her to which she replied no. We've agreed to meet on Saturday as we obviously have a lot to talk about, so basically I'm after some advice/help on what to do now, I'm totally gutted and can't really think straight at the mo and don't know what to say on Saturday, has this happened to anyone else and if so how did you deal with it??

[riprse]

try not to panick your girlfriends emotions are all over the place at the moment. she may well feel a little overwhelmed. its a big thing for you to become a farther, but the thought of having to give birth is huge trust me i know. when i was a week from my due date i left my husband (went home to mum & dad) just because he was late home . the next day i felt like a right prat & wondered why id made such a fuss & went back to my husband full of im sorry & lots of tears.
im not saying that your girlfriend will be the same but, go see her if you can & reassure her. if you cant get back to see her just keep telling her you love her & that you want to support her, but dont get angry with her, it will achieve nothing.

[Kieron]

Is she young?

[PaleRider1975]

Thanks for the replies so far guys, Riprse I won't get angry with her, since she told me I've just felt empty it's the fact that it's totally out of the blue that I can't understand. She said that she'd been feeling like this for a few weeks & if this is the case it makes me wonder when she would have told me if I had gone out to Iraq last Thursday as originally intended.

Kieron she's 26 and I'm 32 tomorrow, not exactly the birthday present I was hoping for.

[Kieron]

Ahh.. 26.

Glad you said that. Had you had said a younger age (16, 17 etc) I would imagine she had met somebody else to be honest.

Pregnant ladies are a law unto themselves. Having said that, I imagine she is worried about you being in Iraq, worried about a long distance relationship and probably her brain is somewhat scrambled now due to hormone levels etc etc.

She probably needs a long hug and to be told that everything will be alright.

I hope it works out for you.

And whilst not wanting to get into a "right or wrong" war debate, thanks for your hard work in the forces. Takes a special person to do that.

[PaleRider1975]

Well I did actually ask her was there anyone else to which she said no. I understand that she might be worried about me going out to Iraq, I just find it a bit excessive if that is one of the reasons why she wants to end it between us.

One of my mates became a father in January and he asked his fiancee if she ever felt like ending it between them and she said she did a few times. Ideally I'd like to think that we could get back together but I don't want to get my hopes up.

[Kieron]

Have a relaxed chat with her. Ask her what it would take to make things right between you...

[PaleRider1975]

That's my intention, I just hope I remember to say everything I want to say to her & don't come away with things popping into my head afterwards that would've been better said face to face, especially as if it is definitley final between us and we'll have to discuss maintenance and visitation to see the baby. It was bad enough me having to be away from her & the baby for 6 months, never mind knowing that when I do come back now we won't be together and I won't be there to bond with our baby.

[Setenza]

PaleRider1975,

I feel for you. There's never a good time for relationship issues.

There are lots of aspects to your situation. You've been with your partner for 10 months? Has the relationship always been one where you've been apart? This can be beneficial for some couples. It keeps the romance and the excitement going.

But babies do change things. Your girlfriend is facing one of the most emotionally challenging periods of her life. The fact that you live apart may now be perceived as a obstacle. Pregnant ladies like and need support both emotionally and spiritually.

The father of her child is soon to be even further removed and what's more into a war zone. It's daunting.

I have very little knowledge of the armed services, but the dynamics of a relationship within them are subtly different than that of say a office worker. It could be said it's a lot tougher. Being a coppers wife is a parallel I guess.

However, another fact to considered (and it's been mentioned already) is the fact that your partners emotions may be all over the place at present.

Would it be out of place to consider the age gap between you and your partner. I know this is a contentious issue but it can have some bearing. The needs, want and aspirations of a 20 year old are not necessarily the same of those of a 30 year old.

I've always found that writing things down can be beneficial. It helps you order your thoughts and you can take time to phrase things in a suitable way.
So, my advise would be to consider what you want. Then consider can it be realistically achieved? Is there scope to compromise? If things do take a turn for the worse, what will you do to make the best of a sad situation.

The key to all this is communication. Sometimes this is best done on common ground away from other family members. Keep such meetings to a sensible length. If you reach a point where you start to go round in circles, then walk away and regroup so to speak.

I hope all goes well. Stay safe.

XoD

[Decadence]

Good luck with this one...I am sorry to hear that you are going to have to go to Iraq like this. Maybe it is some sort of protective mechanism on her part as your life will be in danger and by distancing herself from it should the worst happen there is some kind of buffer there.

[PaleRider1975]

Thanks for the input XoD, my girlfriend was also in the Navy until recently when she went on maternity leave. We hadn't seen each other for about four weeks prior to spending four days together two weeks ago, but prior to that we had spent almost 7 days a week together since we first met.

I have been realistic since she told me last night and I'm not pinning all my hopes on us getting back together, I've spent most of this morning looking on the CSA website and looking at properties down south I can buy so as to be closer to my daughter when she's born if the worst comes to the worst.

I guess the reason I posted my original post is I just need someone to talk to instead of sitting on work and letting things run round in my head and get some unbiased input for the situation.

[Jenn]

PaleRider, I'm 26 and pregnant and live with my husband. So far I haven't felt like kicking him out at all and I'm half way through the pregnancy.

However (and I'm only speculating here) if I was looking at having my baby and then the father going to Iraq with all the risks involved, leaving me to look after the baby on my own, maybe I'd wonder what the point is.
Maybe she thinks that she should look after herself and the baby and cut any risk of having her heart broken later on?

I mean the best way to find out is to hear what she has to say but unless the reason truly is that she's fallen out of love, you can work on it together.
Just ask what her fears are and reassure her on them.
It's probably just difficult for her looking at the near future on her own with a new born.

My mum did it though; my dad left when I was a month old for 4 months for work in the middle east (not army though). According to my mum she had the time of her life (she didn't have to work though) enjoying the bonding etc.

[PaleRider1975]

The things that cut me up the most are I do love her and right now I can't see my life without her and also that I won't be able to bond with our baby and be a proper father to her.

[Kieron]

You will be a proper father mate, of that I'm sure.

Don't give up hope. No matter what, pretty soon you're going to have a little girl who will need you.

Make sure you stay safe over in Iraq.

[PaleRider1975]

I haven't given up hope I guess I'm just a bit down at the mo.

I've every intention of keeping safe in Iraq, I'm lucky in that I'm going to have a desk job while out there and shouldn't have to go outside the wire of Basra Airport, although I found out today that the building I'm going to be working in had two near misses the other day, but that's all part of the job.

[PaleRider1975]

A small update for anyone who's interested, we sent a few texts back a forwards yesterday basically arranging where and what time to meet on saturday, I'm getting the train to hers to arrive at 1030 and she's happy to pick me up from the station before we head back to her dads to talk and for me to pick up the few things of mine that are there.

I was thinking of suggesting a break were I won't contact her at all until the baby is born to give her time to herself and see how she feels about us after that.

[Woodywizz]

I'm sorry to hear this mate - I hope it all turns out well for you. Keep strong.

[shodan]

Hope things work for you mate! I don't suppose I have much in the wa of advice but I'll share my thoughts with you...
Firstly (blokes think like this but I don't think women do), you can't fix something if you don't know whats broken. You need to get her to open up and tell you what she is thinking and feeling. Why doesn't she want you to be together? Does she actually want to be apart? Is it a case that she doesn't want to be together with things the way they are? If so, how could you get them the way she wants them?
I wonder if there is anyone else having some input into to it? Her mum or dad or friends? If she is saying that she doesn't love you anymore then why? What has changed? When did it change and how?
I personally don't believe that couples staying together for the sake of the children if the best thing, but she is going to need a hell of a lot of support over the next year or so and no one better thn the father to be!

Not much point to this post really, I just wanted to post my thoughts. Based on my experience from when I was on the receiving end of the same decision...

[PaleRider1975]

I've got a feeling that her sister might have had some input into the current situation but I've got nothing to substantiate that. My girlfirend and her sister are close and before we got together they used to spend a lot of time together at weekends, when I came along that obviously changed and most weekends my girlfriend would get a text from her sister asking if she was coming home. Her sister is a single mum too, so she may have possibly persuaded my girlfriend that that could look after each other both as single mums.

Oh well, less than 24 hours to go now until I find out the future of our relationship.

[PaleRider1975]

For those that were kind enough to offer me advice here is what happened at the weekend.

I went to see her on Saturday and she told me pretty much the same as she'd said on the phone on Tuesday, that her feelings for me had changed in the past couple of weeks and she didn't want us to be together as a couple. I asked her about us maybe having a break and seeing about getting back together later and she said she didn't want to as she couldn't promise that she'd want to get back together afterwards.

We discussed a few things with regards the baby, I mentioned maintenance but she said she hadn't even thought about that, I suggested a figure and she agreed to it and said it would be more than enough, but obviously if I'm not going to be there I want to ensure that she's got the money to make sure our baby doesn't do without on anything.

We also discussed me having access and seeing the baby to which she said she had no intention of stopping me seeing her and wanted me to be part of our baby's life. One thing I did find strange and which messed with my head a bit was that when I get back from Iraq I'll be staying with my family up in Liverpool and she'll be with our baby down in Sussex so I mentioned that it'll be awkward me coming down to see her and having to organise a B&B somewhere nearby and she said it would be ok to stay with her, I said but what if you're still living at your dad's than & she said I could sleep in the same bed as her as there are no other spare beds there.

We also talked about when she goes into labour, she has said she'll let me know as soon as she does and is happy for me to be there at the birth, which obviously I'm happy with but due to courses I'm on unless the baby is born of a weekend I don't know if I'll be able to be there.

When I'd collected my things from her dad's and she dropped me off at the train station I asked her for a hug to say goodbye which she did and I told her I still loved her and that if she changed her mind at all to let me know, as we were about to break the hug she asked me to give her a kiss goodbye, it was only a kiss on the lips but again it was something that has been playing on my mind since. When I was on the train I sent her a text saying thatalthough we can't be together I still love her and will always be there for her no matter what.

So that's how things are with us, I went out with a couple of mates on Saturday drinking to take my mind off things but it didn't really work as little things kept reminding me of her through the night. Now that I'vw spoken to her face to face and it's definitley over I just feel totally empty, the weekend has just gone by in a daze. I know there are things I probably should have said to her but my mind just went blank, I've told her how I feel & all I can do is hope that her feelings change after the baby is born, although the way I'm feeling now I can't see that happening.

Life can be a real sometimes.

[Woodywizz]

Sorry to hear that it didn't work out mate.

Does seem strange though that she is willing to let you stay in the same bed as her on future visits - this will just mess your head up.

I hope it all turns out well for you though mate as you have shown you are a good bloke by wanting to be there for the baby.

Best of luck

[PaleRider1975]

Cheers Woodywizz, only another 10 days until the baby is born now as long as she isn't late, so I'll have to see how things go from then on.

[deadred]

Awwww mate i've only just seen this thread what a bummer

I went through something similar when we had our baby 3yrs ago, basically about 2 month after the birth of our son i came home from work to an empty house....................she had left me

She had never said anything was wrong or that i had done anything wrong, when i tried to call her she wouldn't even speak to me, or offer an explanation what had happened to make her do this. She went back to her parents for a week and wouldn't even let me see my son, it was an absolute nightmare and i was wracking my brain all week wondering what on earth i had possibly done to deserve this.

In the end i (regretably) snapped and went down her parents demanding to see my child, it had been 1 week since i had seen him and no explanation for her actions. After 2 weeks she rang me and said we had to talk which of course i had agreed. She had told me that in the second week she had been to the doctors for post natal depression and that was the cause of her walking out because she couldn't cope anymore. I couldn't believe she hadn't told me, we had been in the relationship for 7 yrs and talk about everything but this was different.

Even now she can't explain it and says it was the worst moment in her life (aswell as mine). Obviously your partner hasn't got post natal depression but as somebody else has said it may be because her hormones are all over the spot and believe me it can make women do the strangest of things!

[deadred]

Originally Posted by PaleRider1975

Cheers Woodywizz, only another 10 days until the baby is born now as long as she isn't late, so I'll have to see how things go from then on.

10 days , i thought it was months off, it may very well be her hormones mate

[PaleRider1975]

Deadred part of me is hoping that it is her hormones, but I don't want to build my hopes up in case it's not.

[Saggy]

Bad news for ya m8 there. You are going to have to move heaven and earth to get to the birth. Show her your commitment and you never know you the three of you in the delivery sweat might be the wake up call of getting back together. I feel for you though as I got 2 boys one nearly 4 and the other 9 months. Its going to tear you apart not beeing there.

Good luck fella

Martin

[deadred]

Originally Posted by Saggy

Bad news for ya m8 there. You are going to have to move heaven and earth to get to the birth. Show her your commitment and you never know you the three of you in the delivery sweat might be the wake up call of getting back together. I feel for you though as I got 2 boys one nearly 4 and the other 9 months. Its going to tear you apart not beeing there.

Good luck fella

Martin

Good advice that i meant to add to my post but with me waffling on i completley forgot

You have to make the birth and the whole of labour imho, its an amazing moment in your life that you will never get back if you miss it

[w3dal]

sorry to hear that fella.

maybe she will realise after the baby is born. Keep your head up and also update this topic as to how your getting on.

all the best -

Dal

[IronGiant]

Definitely be at the birth, whatever it takes. It's a very special moment and it could make all the difference. That's only a could though...

Dave

[Setenza]

Have her parents or friends said anything to you? Surely, they want their daughter to be in stable relationship? Have they expressed an opinion on the split?