Relationship help/advice.

[PaleRider1975]

Hi guys I've seen a few posts on here from members asking for advice/help on personal matters and it looks like it's my turn to ask for some impartial advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months and although her pregnancy was unexpected and I was a little bit shocked when she first told me I've always been happy with it.

I'm in the military & was due to head out to Iraq two weeks ago but that has been delayed until the beginning of June now, I'm based in Portsmouth and my girlfriend is currently living at her dad's in Sussex, we see each other when we can which recently has been every two weeks or so and our baby is due on the 19th May.

The problem I have is last night I received a text from her saying we need to talk this weekend about us, obviously the first thing that came into my head was that she didn't want us to be together anymore. After sending several texts to persuade her to talk on the phone she agreed, she then went on to tell me that as I thought she didn't want us to be together or love me anymore.

This has come totally out of the blue for me, the last time I saw her two weeks ago she was fine on the Thursday & Friday but on the Saturday & Sunday she seemed a bit distant, I asked her if she was ok or had I done anything to upset her to which she replied no. We've agreed to meet on Saturday as we obviously have a lot to talk about, so basically I'm after some advice/help on what to do now, I'm totally gutted and can't really think straight at the mo and don't know what to say on Saturday, has this happened to anyone else and if so how did you deal with it??

[riprse]

try not to panick your girlfriends emotions are all over the place at the moment. she may well feel a little overwhelmed. its a big thing for you to become a farther, but the thought of having to give birth is huge trust me i know. when i was a week from my due date i left my husband (went home to mum & dad) just because he was late home . the next day i felt like a right prat & wondered why id made such a fuss & went back to my husband full of im sorry & lots of tears.
im not saying that your girlfriend will be the same but, go see her if you can & reassure her. if you cant get back to see her just keep telling her you love her & that you want to support her, but dont get angry with her, it will achieve nothing.

[Kieron]

Is she young?

[PaleRider1975]

Thanks for the replies so far guys, Riprse I won't get angry with her, since she told me I've just felt empty it's the fact that it's totally out of the blue that I can't understand. She said that she'd been feeling like this for a few weeks & if this is the case it makes me wonder when she would have told me if I had gone out to Iraq last Thursday as originally intended.

Kieron she's 26 and I'm 32 tomorrow, not exactly the birthday present I was hoping for.

[Kieron]

Ahh.. 26.

Glad you said that. Had you had said a younger age (16, 17 etc) I would imagine she had met somebody else to be honest.

Pregnant ladies are a law unto themselves. Having said that, I imagine she is worried about you being in Iraq, worried about a long distance relationship and probably her brain is somewhat scrambled now due to hormone levels etc etc.

She probably needs a long hug and to be told that everything will be alright.

I hope it works out for you.

And whilst not wanting to get into a "right or wrong" war debate, thanks for your hard work in the forces. Takes a special person to do that.

[PaleRider1975]

Well I did actually ask her was there anyone else to which she said no. I understand that she might be worried about me going out to Iraq, I just find it a bit excessive if that is one of the reasons why she wants to end it between us.

One of my mates became a father in January and he asked his fiancee if she ever felt like ending it between them and she said she did a few times. Ideally I'd like to think that we could get back together but I don't want to get my hopes up.

[Kieron]

Have a relaxed chat with her. Ask her what it would take to make things right between you...

[PaleRider1975]

That's my intention, I just hope I remember to say everything I want to say to her & don't come away with things popping into my head afterwards that would've been better said face to face, especially as if it is definitley final between us and we'll have to discuss maintenance and visitation to see the baby. It was bad enough me having to be away from her & the baby for 6 months, never mind knowing that when I do come back now we won't be together and I won't be there to bond with our baby.

[Setenza]

PaleRider1975,

I feel for you. There's never a good time for relationship issues.

There are lots of aspects to your situation. You've been with your partner for 10 months? Has the relationship always been one where you've been apart? This can be beneficial for some couples. It keeps the romance and the excitement going.

But babies do change things. Your girlfriend is facing one of the most emotionally challenging periods of her life. The fact that you live apart may now be perceived as a obstacle. Pregnant ladies like and need support both emotionally and spiritually.

The father of her child is soon to be even further removed and what's more into a war zone. It's daunting.

I have very little knowledge of the armed services, but the dynamics of a relationship within them are subtly different than that of say a office worker. It could be said it's a lot tougher. Being a coppers wife is a parallel I guess.

However, another fact to considered (and it's been mentioned already) is the fact that your partners emotions may be all over the place at present.

Would it be out of place to consider the age gap between you and your partner. I know this is a contentious issue but it can have some bearing. The needs, want and aspirations of a 20 year old are not necessarily the same of those of a 30 year old.

I've always found that writing things down can be beneficial. It helps you order your thoughts and you can take time to phrase things in a suitable way.
So, my advise would be to consider what you want. Then consider can it be realistically achieved? Is there scope to compromise? If things do take a turn for the worse, what will you do to make the best of a sad situation.

The key to all this is communication. Sometimes this is best done on common ground away from other family members. Keep such meetings to a sensible length. If you reach a point where you start to go round in circles, then walk away and regroup so to speak.

I hope all goes well. Stay safe.

XoD

[Decadence]

Good luck with this one...I am sorry to hear that you are going to have to go to Iraq like this. Maybe it is some sort of protective mechanism on her part as your life will be in danger and by distancing herself from it should the worst happen there is some kind of buffer there.

[PaleRider1975]

Thanks for the input XoD, my girlfriend was also in the Navy until recently when she went on maternity leave. We hadn't seen each other for about four weeks prior to spending four days together two weeks ago, but prior to that we had spent almost 7 days a week together since we first met.

I have been realistic since she told me last night and I'm not pinning all my hopes on us getting back together, I've spent most of this morning looking on the CSA website and looking at properties down south I can buy so as to be closer to my daughter when she's born if the worst comes to the worst.

I guess the reason I posted my original post is I just need someone to talk to instead of sitting on work and letting things run round in my head and get some unbiased input for the situation.

[Jenn]

PaleRider, I'm 26 and pregnant and live with my husband. So far I haven't felt like kicking him out at all and I'm half way through the pregnancy.

However (and I'm only speculating here) if I was looking at having my baby and then the father going to Iraq with all the risks involved, leaving me to look after the baby on my own, maybe I'd wonder what the point is.
Maybe she thinks that she should look after herself and the baby and cut any risk of having her heart broken later on?

I mean the best way to find out is to hear what she has to say but unless the reason truly is that she's fallen out of love, you can work on it together.
Just ask what her fears are and reassure her on them.
It's probably just difficult for her looking at the near future on her own with a new born.

My mum did it though; my dad left when I was a month old for 4 months for work in the middle east (not army though). According to my mum she had the time of her life (she didn't have to work though) enjoying the bonding etc.

[PaleRider1975]

The things that cut me up the most are I do love her and right now I can't see my life without her and also that I won't be able to bond with our baby and be a proper father to her.

[Kieron]

You will be a proper father mate, of that I'm sure.

Don't give up hope. No matter what, pretty soon you're going to have a little girl who will need you.

Make sure you stay safe over in Iraq.

[PaleRider1975]

I haven't given up hope I guess I'm just a bit down at the mo.

I've every intention of keeping safe in Iraq, I'm lucky in that I'm going to have a desk job while out there and shouldn't have to go outside the wire of Basra Airport, although I found out today that the building I'm going to be working in had two near misses the other day, but that's all part of the job.