| Disaster!
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Shropshire in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Telford. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Insurance companies are not bracing themselves as Telford is the most uninsured area in the UK.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Telford FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Telford.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all, the middle
two I cant remember their names were out with their boyfriends all night. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. Although most of Telfords workforce faced financial hardship as begging would be severly affected.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of Aldi baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special
Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys Roll your Own and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," TELFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
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