[russ123]

I'm best man for my mate's wedding this weekend. I've written a speech but I'm not too happy with the opening joke. Since this sets the tone for the whole speech I've been scouring the web for alternatives but without success. Anyone care to suggest me any punch one-liners???

[ush flynn]

on the radio Vernon kay described his pals best man speech at someone elses wedding. It goes along the lines of this
" Ive been warned not to go into detail about *insert grooms name*' s past record. But what a coincidence 146 is his lucky number!!"

Edit: wrote peter instead of vernon


But to explain if it needs explaining. Best men usually make crack at the grooms ex's in the build up to saying how special the bride is. well the coincidence thing is about the bride being his 146th lover/gf and he just made up that its also his lucky number!

I cant believe im explaining... its really ruined it for me now!

[shahedz]

Originally Posted by ush flynn

on the radio peter kay described his pals best man speech at someone elses wedding. It goes along the lines of this
" Ive been warned not to go into detail about *insert grooms name*' s past record. But what a coincidence 146 is his lucky number!!"

i don't get it

[spocktra]

How about standing up and saying,"this is the fith time today i have been standing up with a warm piece of paper in my hand".

[buzlightyear]

I used,
Ive been asked to prepare a few lines (sniff and hold your nose) and now ive snorted them i feel great.

[ush flynn]

warm piece of paper full of s*** is also funny depending on what the guests are like

[t1m103]

how about" ive enjoyed myself so much i hope i get invited too his next one!."

[Uridium]

I found most of my recent best man's speech on this website!

http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/ex...all.asp?type=1

[Bristol Pete]

Usual stuff,

mention that the honeymoon flight was nice and cheap but the first ten miles are going to be spent crop spraying!

Say that the newly weds have a waterbed but you are concerned that they may drift apart!

say that the groom confided in you, stating that the mother in law doesnt like him and the fact he had spaghetti letters on toast spelling **** off on toast the first time he went round for dinner was a give away.

[ush flynn]

How about something like " The groom wanted my speech to be just perfect, to capture you all, make you laugh, make you cry and make you feel joyous. I was mostly ****** this week so he wrote one for me... and it goes a little summin like this..."

[JohnG]

What about-
What a happy duty it is to welcome the new baby into this World ..... oh hang on, no, that's the Christening speech for next month

[Ultima]

"Weddings are very very emotional, even the cake is in tears (tiers)."

That is assuming that the cake does have tiers of course.

Martin

[mjcairney]

Not an opening line, but I'm sure you can drop in somewhere that an anagram of "Mother-in-Law" is "Woman Hitler".

Then - DUCK!!

Cheers,

Martin.

[muzzi]

I used the following...

Firstly, i would like to say that (insert grooms name), i'm sure every body here today believes, that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert brides name) hand in marriage. We all know that (insert brides name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.

One person laughed!

[ush flynn]

classic
" take my mother in law..... please"

[krish]

I was a best man last year, and just a few days before the wedding asked other mates and family of the groom to email me photos/scanned photos of him from age zero to the present --- then on a drunken evening over much vino in just a couple of hours, I put together a powerpoint slideshow, including doctored pics, well known lookylikeys, a few accidental 'how did that get in there' type dodgy pics (of the bride), dodgy ones of myself (self-deprecating, and for a good balance) all in chronological order, with the This Is Your Life theme tune embedded at the start (mp3 from TV Cream). My slideshow commentary (i.e. the speech) contained running gags on his facial hair and head hairstyles over the years, his love of crisps and Fosters shandy, regular compliments to the bride, comedy captions, fictional/'controversial' incidents etc.

(to actually address your post....) I started the whole speech with .... [the groom] is one of the kindest people I know, and so too is [the bride], only with less facial hair... (it did get big laughs, honest ).
As for my prepared commentary/speech; as I had got fairly drunk, there was a lot of ad libbing, as I could hardly read, but that actually added to the entertainment, and the audience being fairly drunk/happy generously laughed and clapped which also put me at ease.

The venue had a laptop projector, so it was very very easy to set up.

[pave]

What about...."you are summoned to appear at ...." then ..opps ,"sorry wrong piece of paper"
later...."he was like a strawberry without the cream....i am glad he has found the cream"

bit corny,but it went down o.k

[russ123]

Thanks all , keep 'em coming. The coke one is the one I have. I've seen the hitched site and of the ones that open on a joke there only seem to be a couple used - hence the question. The warm paper being the other one. The tiers one I saw on one site as one not to use I've got the rest of it sussed just after as funny an opener as possible.

[russ123]

Oh yeah and the git is doing the speeches before the meal so everyone will have only had one or two drinks...

[Duncan G]

"Theres lots of letters of congratulations so I will read out a couple. "the first is for the Bride from the G.U.M clinic otherwise known as the clap shop, Dear...... Your test result came back positive. Please refrain for sexual contact for 6 months."

"The next is for the Groom from Sue,Grabbit and Runn. Solicitors. Dear.... We regreat to have to tell you that due to a clerical error your Divorce Absolut did not go through as we thought and it will take 12 to 24 months to corrcet the error.".

[spidermanalf]

Before I started with the jokes, I won everyone round by saying

"Let me start off by saying the bridesmaids look lovely today and only rightly outshone by the bride" Everyone ahh, maybe clap you then say " Now thats the niceities (sp) over with................"

[Reign-Mack]

Can anybody see the snow in london right now?

[Joe90sDad]

Originally Posted by Reign-Mack

Can anybody see the snow in london right now?

That won't get many laughs.

[the_sanguine]

Waht about.....

"One of my other mates robbed a bank and he only got 25 years"

[Dan Smiffy]

If your mate isn't the slimmest lad in the world but isn't too touchy about it either: "I think it's great that [groom] decided to get into shape for his wedding. It's just a shame the shape he chose was a circle".

[daniel_owen_uk]

Originally Posted by russ123

Oh yeah and the git is doing the speeches before the meal so everyone will have only had one or two drinks...

See you can use that to your advantage, if whatever gag you open with doesn't go so well, just say "see I told you we should have had the speeches after the meal when everyone was ******"

[Steven]

Coincidence! I was listening to Radio 1 (I'm younger than a lot of you *cough rap thread cough*) - the Colin+Edith 1pm-4pm show had a listener who chose the talking topic and song for the day - he is a best man this Sunday. On this very topic, some were quite funny. It was 40min-1hr15min into this bit, so you don't have to sit through all 3 hours of the replay

[partyweb]

I recommend Mitch Murray's book: 'One-Liners for Weddings and How to Use Them in Your Speech'
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0...lance&n=266239

It has some great advice on not just what to say but how to say it and put the whole speech together.



Some openers:

Family & friends...
I would call you "Ladies & gentlemen", but
I happen to know better.

Ladies & gentlemen,
it's been such an exciting day that I'm
absolutely speechless...
which is probably very good news for most of you.

Ladies & gentlemen,
I've been asked to say a few words,
so here goes...
cornstarch...
oxyacetalene...
onomatopoeia...
and now for the speech...

Ladies & gentlemen,
In the interests of being 'politically correct',
Ive removed any controversial material from
this speech...
(pause)...
Thank you very much and good afternoon.
(Make as if to sit down.)


Ladies & gentlemen,
this is the moment you've all been waiting
for...
and there it goes!



Favourite lines:

Should a couple embarking on marriage be
frank & ernest?
Or should one of them be a girl?

If you're clever,
you'll always have the last word.
If you're really clever, you won't use it.

Hug and squeeze and kiss her daily...
and if her daily won't go along with it,
try the au pair!

Every now and then, try a little tenderness...
Sprinkle some monosodium glutamate on your beloved.

We have here, two good God-fearing people
who observe the Ten Commandments...
five each.

Some men marry for love,
some men marry for companionship...
Dave needed a new toaster!



Here's the opener I used at my best friend's Frum Jewish wedding:

Ladies & Gentlemen,
before I start, I've been asked to make the
following announcements;

Will the owner of Toupee, serial number
727318, kindly collect it from the foyer...
it's beginning to confuse the cat!

I have some good news & some bad news...
first the good news...
After the speeches, the bride's uncle Stanley
will be giving us all a song...
That was the good news...
and that will give you some idea of how bad the
bad news is!

By the way, Stanley wil be singing that lovely
standard; "I'm dancing tonight with tears in
my eyes, 'cos the girl in my arms is a boy".

Ladies & gentlemen,
we're all here today because...



... (ending):

To the bride & bridegroom
we pledge fifty years of happiness.
Invite us back for your Golden Wedding and
we'll be delighted to renew that pledge.



And finally...
(Given the fact your speech is before the meal) you could end with:

Lord ... Bless this bunch
While they munch lunch.

or:

Family & friends, here's looking at you...
which is why I need a drink!

[MrBlofeldt]

There's always the classic...

"Fornication..."

*looks at notes*

"oops, that should be For an occasion"

This goes down especially well if there is a vicar/priest/rabbi/religious other present

[RMCF]

Without wanting to sound disrespectful to the whole wedding nonsense - any joke you tell will have been heard before.

I have been at countless weddings and heard the SAME speeches over and over. Everyone laughs along, but they have all heard the gags before somewhere. Perhaps at the last weding they were at.

Every wedding in the last 10 years that I have been at has been exactly the same. I've heard all the gags before. And all the same comments about the bridemaids looking lovely (even if they are boot ugly!!).

Thats the reason why I'm probably heading off foreign to get married. Don't want the same old formulatic wedding.