A light-hearted post from Nick_UK

[Nick_UK]

Since I've been accused of being too serious, here is a morbid joke.........

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[Abbeygoo]

And you, Nick, too serious, no way!

[Johnny Thunder]

[dixiboy2]

Good idea for a new thread. Your funniest joke ever!! Leave it with you as you told the joke!

[Fusewire]

I was in a shoe shop and this happened........

Chav : I like these shoes but they don't fit me, gimme my money back !!!!

Assistant : Do you want me to get the next size up for you to try.........

Chav : What difference will that make they don't fit.

[Nick_UK]

OK, another Irish joke (no offence intended ).....

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,

God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

[Fusewire]

"Miles, from Dublin."

Very good, you got me with that one.........

Tommy Cooper Jokes
>
>
>
>1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
>
> > them would have seen it.
>
> >
>
> > 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
>
> > press the hash key..."
>
> >
>
> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
>
>shorts.
>
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
> >
>
> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>
> > find any.
>
> >
>
> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
>
>are
>
> > too high."
>
> >
>
> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
>
> > in.
>
> >
>
> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>
> > "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
>
>you
>
> > can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
> >
>
> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> >
>
> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>
> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
>
>kayak
>
> > and heat it.
>
> >
>
> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>
> > with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
> >
>
> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>
> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
> >
>
> > 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
>
> > sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
> >
>
> > 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
>
> > there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
>
>a
>
> > look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
>
> > checks his teeth.
>
> > Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
>
> > Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
>
> >
>
> > 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
>
> > my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
> >
>
> > 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> >
>
> > 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> >
>
> > 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
>
> > give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
>
>oyster,
>
> > go for it.'
>
> >
>
> > 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>
> > people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
>
>my
>
> > Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But
>
>I
>
> > think its Colin.
>
> >
>
> > 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
>
> > other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
> >
>
> > 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
>
> > and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
>
> > one off.
>
> >
>
> > 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>
> > They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
>
> > that was nice."
>
> >
>
> > 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
>
>several
>
> > places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
> >
>
> > 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
>
> > small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
>
>and
>
> > rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
>
>number
>
> > to climb as digging continues into the night

[Fusewire]

A man is driving down the road and lights a fag, in the process he inadvertantly sets fire to his shirt sleave.....

A police car is behind him and makes him pull over, with the man franticly trying to dowse tha flames the officer arrests him.
















Why did the poor guy get arrested ??



























For being in possestion of a firearm.

[dixiboy2]

Matthew Kelly introduces the next act on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’
“Next ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce Simon.”
The audience clap and whoop as Simon hobbles onto centre stage with his legs in plaster and on crutches.
MK. “Oh my God Simon what has happened?”
Simon, “Well Matthew, after rehearsals the other day my uncle Tony picked me up and we started to make our way home. We were going down a country lane when Uncle Tony swerved to avoid a rabbit in the road, lost control of the car and smashed into a tree. Unfortunately he was killed and my legs were crushed.
MK. “That’s terrible, what happened next?”
Simon, “Well, what with the advances in medical science and all, doctors were able to graft Tony’s legs onto my body and….here I am!!
MK. What an amazing, tragic story. But as they say, ‘The show must go on,’ So…. Tell me, the audience and the people at home……who are you going to be tonight?
Simon, “Tonight Matthew I am going to be…














Simon and halfuncle!!”

[Nick_UK]

OK, here's another gem......

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. "I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm catholic too!"

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[badkarma]

Originally Posted by dixiboy2

Simon and halfuncle!!”

didn't see that coming, nice one, difinitely one for down the boozer

[Badlands]

An American, Japaneseman and an Irishman were naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a mobile phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the Sauna and went to the bathroom.

When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said ....... " B-jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!

[leej]

John and Paul walking down the road and John finds a mirror. He looks in it and says to his mate 'you know i'm sure i've seen him before'

Paul replies 'are you stupid or what'

'I tell ya i've definately seen him before' says John

At this Paul snatches the mirror off him, looks in it and says 'it's me you idiot'

[Digger]

Anyone remember the Quantas Gripe Sheet


The Quantas Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.