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Tommy Cooper Jokes
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>1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
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> > them would have seen it.
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> >
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> > 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
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> > press the hash key..."
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> >
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> > 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
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>shorts.
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> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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> >
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> > 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
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> > find any.
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> >
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> > 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
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> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
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>are
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> > too high."
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> >
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> > 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
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> > in.
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> >
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> > 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
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> > "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
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>you
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> > can't, I've cut your arms off".
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> >
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> > 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
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> >
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> > 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
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> > craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
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>kayak
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> > and heat it.
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> >
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> > 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
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> > with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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> >
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> > 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
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> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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> >
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> > 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
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> > sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
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> >
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> > 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
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> > there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
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>a
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> > look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
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> > checks his teeth.
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> > Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
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> > Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
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> >
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> > 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
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> > my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
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> >
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> > 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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> >
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> > 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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> >
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> > 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
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> > give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
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>oyster,
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> > go for it.'
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> >
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> > 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
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> > people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
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>my
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> > Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But
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>I
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> > think its Colin.
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> >
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> > 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
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> > other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
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> >
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> > 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
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> > and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
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> > one off.
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> >
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> > 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
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> > They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
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> > that was nice."
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> >
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> > 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
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>several
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> > places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
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> >
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> > 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
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> > small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
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>and
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> > rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
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>number
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> > to climb as digging continues into the night
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