[john59]

Brilliant

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details,so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat ar*e waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of b*****ds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wa****r though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.

John

[Overlord69]

Funny, but very very old...

[sbowler]

brilliantly put, and something we have all felt at one time or another to various faceless companies.

[oxygenuk]

like overlord said this is very old.

but its still bloody hilarious!

[Mylo]

I suppose you wrote the original

[Uridium]

Thing is NTL are still just as bad!

[stealther]

Originally Posted by uridium

Thing is NTL are still just as bad!

Funny I was going to say that. If anything the service has got worse. I love telling people not to bother when I walk past the stands in shopping centres.

[mcfarfs]

Originally Posted by mylo

I suppose you wrote the original

Never gonna live it down is he

[Seth Gecko]

Originally Posted by mcfarfs

Never gonna live it down is he

Probably not.

[JohnG]

In the thread where it was uncovered the last we heard from oxygenuk was that he was still trying to claim that the photo was his and has not been man enough to admit that he misled us all. I'm sure an apology would go a long way to sorting things out

[stevegreen]

Originally Posted by JohnG

In the thread where it was uncovered the last we heard from oxygenuk was that he was still trying to claim that the photo was his and has not been man enough to admit that he misled us all. I'm sure an apology would go a long way to sorting things out

I'm sure it would John. Trouble is, the way that he kept insisting that it was his shot and perpetuated the lie has made it more difficult for him to do and has probably changed a lot of peoples opinion of his posts, past and future.

Big holes are more difficult to get out of, but people insist on keeping digging, then ignoring it and hoping it will go away and be forgotten.

Not gonna happen without an apology i'm afraid

[Seth Gecko]

Originally Posted by stevegreen

Big holes are more difficult to get out of

So is there any truth behind an Oxygenuk sighting in Sydney ? (although I could go for cruder with a Geri Halliwell reference too.....)

I've just jacked NTL, too much down time, too much waiting on the phone and too many set top box restarts. Oh, and the cheeky sods still bill you a full month despite several days of lost service. Absolute crap! Back with BT now, they ain't perfect but the service is faultless and I've had no hiccups. Yet! 2 meg is brill!

[JagoPlasma]

Originally Posted by CENSORED

I've just jacked NTL, too much down time, too much waiting on the phone and too many set top box restarts. Oh, and the cheeky sods still bill you a full month despite several days of lost service. Absolute crap! Back with BT now, they ain't perfect but the service is faultless and I've had no hiccups. Yet! 2 meg is brill!

hmmm odd that you say that, i rang them on friday as my cable modem wasnt working, paid my 2 month overdue bill...(only because i changed from 1meg to 2meg so they figured they could start billing me a month in advance) they said that wasnt what caused it as they were having problems at the time. i said i couldnt wait round for tech support so would wait to see if it fixed itself.

rang back monday as it still wasnt working, straight thru to support with some asian guy that simply could not understand a word i was saying. it was like talking to one of those telephone lines that ask you to speak your a/c no 50 times (powergen i think)

anyway he told me my account was deactivated and he would put me thru to the activation dept.

got thru to them, they said "oh yes it is deactivated, but no notes as to why"

anyway to cut a VERY long story short, she offered me a refund of my 3 days and i said it wasnt good enough, she said she cant refund me a whole month, i said fine il cancel right now and screw your 30day policy give me my money back or il have you for obtaining money under deception and without consent.

she put me thru to cancellations who said "oh sorry sir, lets give you 2 months free and knock your bill down from £24.99 a month to £15 for the next 6 months" .... i said... umm ok then

Sounds like you got a result there. The excuse I was given was that the direct debit was automatic and NTL could not adjust the amount being taken. If I wanted to complain I should speak to their accounts department to resolve the matter. Considering any refund would be offset by the cost of hanging on the phone for hours on end I decided to quit whilst I was ahead! They tried to move heaven and earth to keep me with NTL but I couldn't wait to get away from them. Ultimately, any concession was unlikely to affect their apalling service. I'm happy now.

[Miyazaki]

Originally Posted by mylo

I suppose you wrote the original

I thought oxygenuk wrote the original?

[oxygenuk]

[The Dude]

nice cartoon... is that your own work?

[Marcus Geezer]

Old but good letter.... made funnier becuase it is all true.

[Miyazaki]

Originally Posted by oxygenuk

Cor, you've healed up well, all things considered!