[smallclanger]

Feeling very low today. Yesterday things came to a head at home and my wife & I decided to split, not my decision. We have a 7 1/2 month old baby boy that I think the world of.

Finding things very hard to sort out in my head. Now got to find a place to live that is close by so I can visit.

It's going to be emotionally and financially hard.

Have no idea how things will pan out now, hope I can get to see my boy, still have small hope the marriage can be salvaged.

So hard to concentrate on work.

[PoochJD]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear this. There's no easy answer, I'm afraid. All I can say, is that you try and make sure you get equal access to your child, so that he knows he had a father, and that the father still loved him, despite mum and dad splitting-up.


Pooch

[wookielover]

Man - sorry to hear that. All ways going to be difficult when kids are involved. I suppose the only small saving grace is that your boy is young and that , in a a way , may be easier.
Is it definately over ? or have things just become harder since the birth of your child - things are very hard with a new born

[smallclanger]

Originally Posted by wookielover

Man - sorry to hear that. All ways going to be difficult when kids are involved. I suppose the only small saving grace is that your boy is young and that , in a a way , may be easier.
Is it definately over ? or have things just become harder since the birth of your child - things are very hard with a new born

I think so, it's not down to having a new baby, although there are obviously extra stresses and responsibilities etc.

It's been coming for a while, I hold my hands up and admit that I have anger issues and though never violent, have trouble staying calm in an argument. I am seeking help on it but it is probably too late to save my marriage, it's hard to explain, in the heat of the moment I don't see anything wrong with how I am behaving and feel that my wife is being unreasonable and I am totally in the right. I don't know when to back down.

It can't go on like that when you have a child, I don't want him growing up seeing his mum & dad shouting at each other.

It's just so hard, worked hard all my life, I have a lovely wife and son, managed to get a great house in a nice area and all of that feels like it is crumbling apart.

[NorvernRob]

Sorry to hear this, don't give up on things just yet though.

Is there a possibility your mrs could be suffering from post natal depression or post traumatic stress? My wife suffered with the latter after our son was born last year, and it made things very difficult until she started seeing a counsellor.

Having a baby is tough for all involved, if you think there is still some hope of reconciliation make it clear to her that you'll be there for her and the baby and see how things pan out.

If it is then end then make sure you see as much of your son as you can, it will be hard at first but eventually you'll get used to it and your time together will always be 'fun time'.

Good luck with it.

Rob

[smallclanger]

I don't know why I decided to post about this here but don't really have anyone to talk to about it, besides I believe this forum has the most supportive/diverse people on it. There is no where else you can go to get advise on how many times during the night you pee, keeping bats as pets, writing dating profiles etc.

[Philly112]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

It's been coming for a while, I hold my hands up and admit that I have anger issues and though never violent, have trouble staying calm in an argument. I am seeking help on it but it is probably too late to save my marriage, it's hard to explain, in the heat of the moment I don't see anything wrong with how I am behaving and feel that my wife is being unreasonable and I am totally in the right. I don't know when to back down.

.

The very fact that you can admit this on an open forum says quite alot about your character to me.
Have you shown these posts to your wife? If you want to save the relationship I think it can't do any harm.
Anyway, good luck.

Phil

[smallclanger]

Originally Posted by Philly112

The very fact that you can admit this on an open forum says quite alot about your character to me.
Have you shown these posts to your wife? If you want to save the relationship I think it can't do any harm.
Anyway, good luck.

Phil

Thanks Phil I, she knows where I am with it, but we have been to breaking point so many times & I have had so many last chances, and I have & am trying, it's so frustrating when you think you are getting there and before you know it you are yet again in the middle of a full scale barny and I have let my emotions and anger get the better of me again. Why can't life have an undo?

[TheAdmiralCS]

My dad told me something once, which I always try to think about when I get a bit angry and argumentative - "Its easier to look back on the mistakes you made, than to go forward and not make the same mistakes again" - makes me think twice, but doesn't always stop the argument from happening! Human nature, I think this is. Sorry to hear of your troubles smallclanger, and I sincerely hope that you can salvage your marriage. Like you say, you've had lots of "last chances" but there's still hope.

[mitchec1]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

Thanks Phil I, she knows where I am with it, but we have been to breaking point so many times & I have had so many last chances, and I have & am trying, it's so frustrating when you think you are getting there and before you know it you are yet again in the middle of a full scale barny and I have let my emotions and anger get the better of me again. Why can't life have an undo?

If your seeing someone about your anger problems it might be worth asking if your wife would meet with them as well either with you or on her own.

While it might not stop the separation it might give both of you a better understanding of what each other is currently feeling.

[kBm]

Rather than splitting, have you not tired a 'break?'

You could find living apart for a while but still being around gives you the space you both need.

[Philly112]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

Thanks Phil I, she knows where I am with it, but we have been to breaking point so many times & I have had so many last chances, and I have & am trying, it's so frustrating when you think you are getting there and before you know it you are yet again in the middle of a full scale barny and I have let my emotions and anger get the better of me again. Why can't life have an undo?

Mate, I've been there with an alcohol problem I had. I went past the last chance saloon (poor choice of words) so many times. But we're now stronger than ever. Maybe I was lucky, I dunno. But love really is everything, you know. It's what saved me. If she still loves you, and you here, there really is nothing holding you back other than willpower and guts. Just don't give in, thinking it's all over, until it really is all over. I'm a sad old hippy, but I really do believe in the 'power of love'

Phil

[smallclanger]

Originally Posted by Philly112

Mate, I've been there with an alcohol problem I had. I went past the last chance saloon (poor choice of words) so many times. But we're now stronger than ever. Maybe I was lucky, I dunno. But love really is everything, you know. It's what saved me. If she still loves you, and you here, there really is nothing holding you back other than willpower and guts. Just don't give in, thinking it's all over, until it really is all over. I'm a sad old hippy, but I really do believe in the 'power of love'

Phil

I feel so guilty asking each time for another go, kind of feel that if I loved her I should let her go and not cause her more pain.

Originally Posted by kBm

Rather than splitting, have you not tired a 'break?'

You could find living apart for a while but still being around gives you the space you both need.

Maybe this can go that way, we are hoping at the moment that we can stay amicable, I have no strong feelings about materialistic stuff.

Originally Posted by mitchec1

If your seeing someone about your anger problems it might be worth asking if your wife would meet with them as well either with you or on her own.

While it might not stop the separation it might give both of you a better understanding of what each other is currently feeling.

That is tricky it's something called iTalk where you talk to someone on the phone and you work through self help documentation, there isn't much proper 1-2- councelling on offer from the GP these days.

[Philly112]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

I feel so guilty asking each time for another go, kind of feel that if I loved her I should let her go and not cause her more pain.

Yeah, that's how I felt. But I don't buy it. If you love her you will want to stay with her. You need to feel a little selfish now. What do YOU want? You might let her go, but if it's not what YOU want, you will regret it. I've not got any answers, but if I can work it out as a complete alcoholic, anyone can. I loved my wife. But she was gone; house up for sale, living at her mum's etc. That was 8 years ago. We're now fine.
There's lot's of help out there for 'angry' people. You need to involve your wife. She will meet other partners on courses etc. Heck, my wife's best friend is now someone she met on a AA course with me It's almost started me drinking again! I now go to the local AA group once a month; I give talks on all sorts. Last one was on the Curiosity Mars lander! I'm actually glad of the problems I had. It's given me a whole new outlook on life.
Your situation is by no means unique. It will feel so to you. But it really isn't.

Phil

[Exemplar]

Sending positive vibes dude.

[mitchec1]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

I feel so guilty asking each time for another go, kind of feel that if I loved her I should let her go and not cause her more pain.

Maybe this can go that way, we are hoping at the moment that we can stay amicable, I have no strong feelings about materialistic stuff.

That is tricky it's something called iTalk where you talk to someone on the phone and you work through self help documentation, there isn't much proper 1-2- councelling on offer from the GP these days.

Yes I know of iTalk. Do you feel it's working, does your wife?
Would you be prepared to find your own counsellor?

As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD I understand the anger issues and have always found face to face counselling works a lot better.

What ever happens try and stay positive for you, your child and your wife and don't give up.

[smallclanger]

Originally Posted by mitchec1

Yes I know of iTalk. Do you feel it's working, does your wife?
Would you be prepared to find your own counsellor?

As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD I understand the anger issues and have always found face to face counselling works a lot better.

What ever happens try and stay positive for you, your child and your wife and don't give up.

I think it has been helping, but obviously not able to control it completely. My wife can trigger me better than anyone, which I suppose makes sense, I would be happy to see a counsellor, I was trying iTalk to see what that could first, if I'm not happy then I need to look for something else and pay for it if necessary.

[Solomon Grundy]

Best of luck...the situation sucks, try to stay amicable if possible, you owe it to your kids. I've also been through hell these last few months after my wife and I split up...in fact I still feel crap about it all.

[BT Bob]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

It can't go on like that when you have a child, I don't want him growing up seeing his mum & dad shouting at each other.

I think this is an incredibly mature and wise comment.

When my ex-wife & I split, my absolute priority was to make sure my 2 daughters knew that whatever happened between their mother and I, my feelings for them were not in question.

I wish you all the very best, however this pans out, and if your marriage is completely over, if you can find a way to be amicable with your wife you'll all benefit, especially your child.

[Tom Tom]

Sounds like a tricky situation.
I can relate to the anger problems. I have a short fuse with my nearest and dearest, but calm down just as quick.

For me it's not quite about right and wrong, but just how (as you mention) my wife knows how to push the right buttons and we can get heated.

We are much better now, and usually I can feel when the fuse is short, so with warning she can just avoid me.

Mine is tied to sleep (or lack of) and situation.

I think that you can't give up on the woman you love and if you give it space and try to prove yourself a reasonable partner in the right situations it might help build the bridges to getting back together or at the very least being happy to work together for the child.

Now my next question could sound very "troll" but I promise it is not meant to. You mention this is a accumulation of many incidents, and the acknowledgement that it gets much harder with a child. Was the child a tool to build you both together, or just an unhappy timing for where you both are now (not that you are unhappy to have your son)?

I keep telling my best friend you can't live with what-ifs and maybes, that will just eat you up inside, so as others have said, keep working hard for your son to be the best dad you can be, and that might help your other relationships. Maybe your son will help your temper, I know my sister has become much calmer after her son than she was before.

All the best.

Tom

[smallclanger]

Originally Posted by Tom Tom

Now my next question could sound very "troll" but I promise it is not meant to. You mention this is a accumulation of many incidents, and the acknowledgement that it gets much harder with a child. Was the child a tool to build you both together, or just an unhappy timing for where you both are now (not that you are unhappy to have your son)?

No I understand the question, the thing is when we hit these big bad situations it's bad and we both feel really bad, but when we are ok we're great. We always wanted a child and decided to try for one, he was not intended to fix things, I guess we put the problems to the back of our minds and hoped that they were solved.

[Tom Tom]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

No I understand the question, the thing is when we hit these big bad situations it's bad and we both feel really bad, but when we are ok we're great. We always wanted a child and decided to try for one, he was not intended to fix things, I guess we put the problems to the back of our minds and hoped that they were solved.

Fair enough, a troublesome affair for sure.

I think that you have a better chance of solving your problems by knowing you have them, it won't be easy and as everyone has said it could go either way.

I do wish you all the best.

[rampant]

Keep your chin up!

One thing I will say is that a child needs both parents - so don't let your misses block you or stop you from seeing YOUR baby!

I had to fight tooth and nail to get my kids 50/50 and it was a struggle as my ex was telling everyone that the split was my fault (when all along it was her and her affair) anyhow after 5 years I now have my children 50/50 and I can now get on with my ex. I love my kids and will do anything for them - just make sure you are the for your child

[gus607]

It's all been said already, but the best advice I was given when I found myself in a similar situation was, stay busy.

I hope things get better for you.

[rousetafarian]

Hi,

Your boy needs you, and you need your boy, he also needs his Mum. I hope you find the strength and solution you need. My first marriage was a flop, and ended in divorce in under 24 months but time is a 'really cheesy' healer.

Find solace and get an impartial advisor...Samaritans or another counselling service may help.

[Solomon Grundy]

Samaritans won't really help, they just repeat "...and how do you feel about that?" or "...and how does that make you feel?" over and over again until you wonder why you called them and hang up.

[liamt]

Originally Posted by wookielover

Man - sorry to hear that. All ways going to be difficult when kids are involved. I suppose the only small saving grace is that your boy is young and that , in a a way , may be easier.
Is it definately over ? or have things just become harder since the birth of your child - things are very hard with a new born

+1

how much of it is stress caused by the baby? does she have PND? women can be very hard work after a baby. i know im more irritable than before due to lack of sleep and the fact i now dont have any time to myself.

[liamt]

Originally Posted by smallclanger

I think it has been helping, but obviously not able to control it completely. My wife can trigger me better than anyone, which I suppose makes sense, I would be happy to see a counsellor, I was trying iTalk to see what that could first, if I'm not happy then I need to look for something else and pay for it if necessary.

i think seeing a proper councillor would really help. if your wife sees you are stepping up a level it might help too.

all the best fella!

[jassco]

Originally Posted by liamt

+1

how much of it is stress caused by the baby? does she have PND? women can be very hard work after a baby. i know im more irritable than before due to lack of sleep and the fact i now dont have any time to myself.

I think the OP needs to clarify their gender as it'll change what people are suggesting

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by jassco

I think the OP needs to clarify their gender as it'll change what people are suggesting

Originally Posted by smallclanger

my wife & I decided to split

I think he did...