If you were abused as a child how do you feel about the abuser now you're an adult?

[dan1979]

Today my Mum completed the legal stuff after her divorce from my step dad. She got everything she wanted (the house) and he walked away with nothing but a hefty legal bill.

When I was a kid he was pretty violent towards me - nothing really major but he had a temper would throw me about, shove me against the wall, etc. One time he was reported to the police (by his twin brother no less) for something he did - had to have a social worker and all that stuff as a result of running away from home. Some of his past actions against me were used as 'evidence' in the court!

His son (my half brother) loathes him and he and my Mum are cock-a-hoop that she's walked away with the house and will likely never see him again. Basically everyone hates him for what he did to me. My wife hates my mum for letting it happen, my mum says she's regretful about it all.

I haven't seen him in a few years but my opinion towards him is one of total indifference. I never think about him and struggle to form any opinion when I do. If anything I'm quite happy to say I had a bad childhood - it's character building and will make me a better dad.

However today part of me thinks poor him, he puts his money earned over many years (including some inheritance) into buying the house she's walked away with. I know he got made redundant a while back and whilst I don't really care what he's up to I don't begrudge him getting on with his life and coming out of the divorce fairly.

So everyone hates him and they expect me to hate him and want to kick his head in as revenge. They're surprised when I have no reaction. I'm surprised at the tinge of sympathy I feel for his situation thinking he will be potless.

Is my reaction weird? Any other people have a similar experience?

Apologies for the depressing thread.

[la gran siete]

you touched on a nerve there mate.I wasnt able to communicate with my father for years

[Paul_HDLover]

Apologies for what you endured and sorry again for commenting when i've never experienced this.

Just wanted to say that i think your attitude towards it al is perfectly balanced. You have moved on, do not think about him all that much and in your mind it sounds like its dealt with. I'd urge you not to become embroiled in what others think. Thats their look out. You have your own priorities now and its sounds like you are focussing your energies on the right things forward facing rather than dwelling and simmering over past events.

I wouldn't feel sorry for him either. As Max once said to Paddy 'if you play with feathers, you get your arse tickled'.

[hopeless]

It took me about 20 years to get over what my old man did to me and the family in general.

I don't want to grow old all bitter and twisted. I can't move forward when I'm looking at the past, so leave things where they are.

[Brandon66]

Originally Posted by hopeless

It took me about 20 years to get over what my old man did to me and the family in general.

I don't want to grow old all bitter and twisted. I can't move forward when I'm looking at the past, so leave things where they are.

Same feeling, when i found out what my blood Dad did to my Mum i was livid and tried to deal with it for the last 16 years but never did, anger is hard to deal with.

But then i had a son and i forgot the past, the past is the past nothing you can do about it; every action has a reaction.

You deal with it correctly.

[Decadence]

In my wife's case it was on her Dad's death bed that she sort of made her peace with him. He had done some perverted things to her as a toddler, not what you would call major or invasive but nevertheless for his own gratification. She cannot remember any of it apart from what her Mother told her and she has almost no memory of before she was 6 because of it. the only reason it came to light was when her mother walked in on the act and went ballistic.

As a result their relationship was always very distant until around a fortnight before he died of cancer, he was unaware that my wife knew anything about it and was grief stricken and inconsolable with guilt when he found out that her Mother had told her. They had a very long talk about it together before he died and I think it helped her grieve after he passed away. It must be very difficult knowing you were abused but too young to remember any of it. She's a strong woman.

[MikeTV]

Originally Posted by dan1979

So everyone hates him and they expect me to hate him and want to kick his head in as revenge. They're surprised when I have no reaction. I'm surprised at the tinge of sympathy I feel for his situation thinking he will be potless.

Is my reaction weird? Any other people have a similar experience?

Apologies for the depressing thread.

I think what you are showing is compassion and forgiveness, which is not something you should be ashamed of - it's to your credit. It's not the same as excusing his behaviour, or ever forgetting it. It just sounds like you have come to terms with it, in a very level headed way. Good for you. But perhaps it is harder for others - maybe there is guilt involved, fueling the desire for revenge. In any case, it sounds like you are in a much better position to move on.

[woundedDaisy]

I have this horrible habit of forgiving people and i always forgive my dad just because he is my dad. I think i better give him another chance. It was only last weekend he started his crap again saying things about my mum and my dad (step dad has been my dad since i was 6 or 7) and also picking on my partner saying he is a waste of space etc. Before this happened last weekend i had not seen him since my 21st when i was at my grans he came in got his dog and left never said a word to me. Hurtful yes but i forgave him again. He is not allowed near my mum there is an order against him i dunno if he takes it out on me because am my mum's double?

[la gran siete]

Originally Posted by woundedDaisy

I have this horrible habit of forgiving people and i always forgive my dad just because he is my dad. I think i better give him another chance. It was only last weekend he started his crap again saying things about my mum and my dad (step dad has been my dad since i was 6 or 7) and also picking on my partner saying he is a waste of space etc. Before this happened last weekend i had not seen him since my 21st when i was at my grans he came in got his dog and left never said a word to me. Hurtful yes but i forgave him again. He is not allowed near my mum there is an order against him i dunno if he takes it out on me because am my mum's double?

He seems like a very bitter twisted man.Best to let him go and not let him affect you bearing in mind that he may one day see the errors of his ways and seek forgiveness and some kind of reconciliation.Until such time , I would not let him make me unhappy