| Re: Worst night playing GOW2 ever!
A true story I posted on the epic forums a few days ago.
I had quite possibly the worst run of gears in ages last night. The night involved many games but I have a policy of never finishing the night on a loss which recently lead to an infuriating last game. The following is a brief glimpse into the nightmare of Greektonys Mondays night’s massacre.
As always, Gears instils the 'just 1 more game' train of thought so I prepped myself for what was bound to be an epic and fitting game to end the night on. Having just savoured a steak I was quite looking forward to the pure ownage that was bound to commence on my part so I could finally get to bed. With the slight clamminess that comes in the closing seconds of matchmaking I began the pre-match mental Olympics that every true gears player goes through (if you don't know what I mean, don't ask me. You'll understand when you've glitched the rank 100 achievement).
The scene, annex on Canals. I almost always play annex, and to be honest I am quite a beast. However, starting what I hoped would be my last game of the night on Canals (the mother of all lagging maps) which was lagging like a ***** as usual gave me grave cause for concern. I awaited in the lobby with great trepidation as I had a sinking feeling that I was just about to walk into a whole world of virtual pain. The timer beep stuttered along with the countdown and I knew deep down that I was going to get raped. Low and behold, I started the game in true gears fashion, weaponless. After some heavy cussing and swearing which went unanswered by my team, I readied myself for what I had to do next - take one for the team and wait for a locust to give me the smackdown in the hope that I would respawn with a gun.
I like to think of myself as a team player. I am quite happy to put myself on the line for a fellow downed comrade and I'm not a power weapon or grenade whore. I always live by the mantra that 'a wingman in gears is a wingman in life'. So sacrificing my weaponless alter ego for the good of the team didn't phase me. However trying to leave spawn to accomplish this most simple of tasks proved rather more difficult. Yes my friends, you guessed it. We had lag.
Of course predicatably we had a lag switching mofo trying to boost the crap out of us. It quickly became apparent by looking at the scoreboard who this bastard was, and yes, you guessed it, it was a Yank. And as we all know, Yanks are lagging, glitching *****es. Eventually one of my team mates managed a kill and a locust spawned in next to me. I waited patiently for him to kill me and he obliged me with a two piece and a rather unnecessary beat down. Yet somehow I still spawned minus my weapons of choice.
I made a bee line straight for the locust armada and was dealt a cruel blow. 2 locusts chainsawed me. I somehow managed to keep my cool and finally spawned in with a working gun. The lag was now just about playable. However as always with Canals, the host was raping my team mates with head shot after head shot with the sniper rifle. My team were only good as cannon fodder. Trying to formulate any kind of team tactics and team talk was like trying to lead a camel through the eye of a needle. As usual, Greektony played medic, shottie/hammerburst god and annex capturer/defender trying to take on the responsibilities of a 5 man team by myself. The effort proved futile, and with too many 'whatever' and '***' moments to list, we lost heavily in both rounds. The only thing I could take solace in was the fact that I topped my team’s leader board by a considerable amount and the fact that I now own a PS3 so can play for free online in a lag free environment.
This is why Gears is the battleground of the n00bs and the lost. Our brethren forever trapped in their denial of glitching and lag switching. The knowledge that one true Gears player may forever break the chain of habitual cheating by a small minority who have no life has been written to pass if you look hard enough in the bible. I like to think that Jesus is up there playing Gears as though he is playing for his life and with the purpose of saving the human race from the spawn of Satan – Yank kids, microphones and the internet.
How does one kill that which does not possess life? ………….. With a chainsaw of course.
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27-08-2009, 1:23 PM
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E. & O.E.
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